‘Hello World’ seems like such a grand ambition for a first post and a bit of a foolish one at that, like I’d actually want my first words uttered to be projected off some enormous stage, boomed out into the stratosphere where they’d no undoubtedly sail past the eyes and ears of roughly seven billion oblivious – and in any case largely disinterested – people and on into the void.
No, no, my ambitions are far less lofty. And much more personal. Far better, I believe, to touch just one or two with your words than let them fall limply in front of the eyes of millions.
So instead of world, how about we start with just you? How about I write this introduction just to you, as if we were secret pen pals, cyber friends who only know as much as the other dares to reveal to them? Yes, I like that. The anonymity of writing to you like this instills me with a confidence to share more than I dare in person, but the control needed to vet what you know. This way I can reveal myself to you, slowly, fully but all in good time. And on my terms.
So this is how I’d like to begin: Hello you. Hello you I’ve always known was there but was too shy to speak to, too cautious of committing myself to and too afraid of what you might make of me. This is me: a thirty year old girl, some freakish Petra Pan who is neither willing nor seemingly able of growing up. A mess is what I am. A complete and utter fuck up of the highest order with no hope of redemption. An idealist, jobless serial quitter and commitment-phob. A nomadic, flighty would be do-gooder who wants more from life than it seems prepared to offer me.
In the subsequent posts I shall expose myself as best I can.
Laugh with me, cry with me.
Make of me what you will.